I always thought I was stressed out. Everyday brought another thing to get anxious about. Last month was a different story. I had no idea what would happen to me. Everything started turning upside down and falling apart. Car payments, insurance, school payments, school assignments, work, relationship, family, and my own personal and spiritual being.
I started sleeping a lot more, I wouldn't talk to anyone, I basically hid myself from the world. I didn't even socialize at work. I wasn't really nice to the customers, I half-ass did my work, and I would rather have been shaving a bull's testicles than be there. I was always doing something wrong (before my anxiety attack). I actually got into trouble for doing my job (helping the newbies do their job). They said I was too bossy. WTF!? I'm not even getting paid like a team trainer but I did it out of the goodness of my heart. Fuck them. I didn't talk to them anymore. I just stood in my position and didn't move. I didn't help anyone. They didn't deserve it. Fuckers.
I always have to take a good chunk of my check out for my car. I love my car. I didn't mind doing that. It's the fact that my psycho gramma kept calling about it EVERY FUCKING DAY for three week BEFORE it was due. Talk about stressful. If I didn't talk to her, she would have thought that I didn't care or didn't love her or wouldn't pay and threaten to kill herself.
I gave up trying to heal myself spiritually from the damage life did to me. I would heal my subconscious wounds only to have new ones made the next damn day. I didn't go out for walks, I didn't take care of my garden, and I didn't take the cats out. "But Casey, Couldn't Jesse let the cats out?" NO. He hasn't really been home. He's been sleeping at his parents and I can't remember the last time he was home for more than one night. It's strange to see him there now. I feel like I'm living by myself.
At this point I stopped eating altogether. My diet was coffee and cigarettes. And something dark and demented in me liked it. I guess it's the psychological thing women go through when they've lost hope on life and humanity. I lost interest in everything. I didn't even want to go to choir!! Can you believe that shit!?
Well, the end of October/beginning November brought some good times. If it wasn't for my friends I would probly be in a hospital right now. They didn't know how bad it was. I didn't let them know.
Everything is slowly starting to come back together now. I couldn't thank them enough. And Amber, my Caroline, you are a bigger part of my life than you think. Just hearing from you and seeing you come hang out with everyone made my night. That was the highlight. I'm happy that you're happy and able to get out more and live the way you want. You deserve it. I love you and always will. Fuck the people who screw everything up when we have it just right. We've made it this far right? Lol. I can't wait to see where we go. I'll always be there right behind you in whatever you do. It's the best I can do.
~Sayonara~